Sometimesonsundays’s Weblog

“Prayerful Consideration,” A.K. A. Bullshit

February 26, 2009 at 11:32 pm (friends and relations, Grad School, Growing Up, Personal Relationships)

So… I intended to return to this blog when my dissertation was completely done, and I was in a better mood. I wanted to tell you all about my deligthful, sensitive, and romantic boyfriend, Harry. Harry who with romantic gestures regularly makes my girl friends a little ill. I wanted to tell you how excited I was that my friend Jane got back into gradschool. And how my sister and her hubby are buying a house. The fact that I figured out that I could rent the Dresden Files Season 1 from NetFlix. Lots of good stuff there. Happy stuff really.

However, unless  you are an idiot, you’ve probably realized already that this post is NOT going to be all sweetness and light.  No, sadly, this post will be a rant. You have now been warned. Proceed forward with caution or remain here. Leave this blog and have yourself forever written down as a coward.

Still with me, huh? You really are a brave soul, aren’t you? Well, forward then. So, as you may remember from previous blogs, I’m finishing my doctorate this year and am on the academic job market. This market is the equivalent of Hell on Earth with NO redeeming qualities. It is the most ridiculously complicated pile of eternal idiocy ever, and my chunk of the profession has actively made it worse.

The worst blow to my ego yet arrived yesterday in an innocuous white envelope. It was an enevelope from a wee private Christian university in a very large, Red state. I had a very successful phone interview with them in November. At least, I thought it was successful. The chair with whom I spoke closed the interview by telling me to “look at your calendar and pick a weekend in January or February when you’d be able to spend three days for an interview. We will decide something and let you know by early January.” Fine, I looked and I waited. and I waited. Then, I waited some more. About mid-January, I started to get a little antsy. Mind you, this school was one that everyone who knows me was excited about. Everyone, including Dr. Chiron, my fav prof ever, kept saying what a good fit it was for me and how perfect it was for me. My dad got so excited that he kept planning my life there. He also asked me ad nauseum if I had heard from them.

 Yesterday, a day shy of me emailing the Chair about the status of the search, I got the fatal email. Here it is, an almost direct quote:

Dear Ms. Sunday Sunshine,

After prayerful considertation, the Department of Fluff and Nonsense has selected someone for the position of Assistant Professor of Fluff and has closed the search.

Thank you for your interest in the Department of Fluff and Nonsense and in Small Christian U.

Cordially,

Department Chair

Two sentences. Two fucking sentences. I think that the “prayerful consideration” is supposed to make me feel better, but shockingly enough, it doesn’t. It’s like they are absolving themselves of having set me up for disappointment. The phrase “prayerful consideration” or any version thereof is not a Christian get out of jail free card. It just shows that you are too cowardly to say, “yeah, we thought about it, and you’re not for us. We reject you.” It comes off as “We’re not really rejecting you; God told us to reject you. Blame Him.” Pissants!

I don’t think I’d be as angry with them if the Chair hadn’t told me to look at dates for a visit. That really got my hopes up. Looking at their department’s faculty list, they are notorious for hiring people with previous affliation to the SCU. If they had an internal hire, why did they pretend to be so interested in me.

Further compounding my anger is some people’s reaction to my news. Let’s start by noting that when a dream is crushed the most appropriate response is some version of these three sentences:

1. They are idiots.
2. You are wonderful.
3. I love you.

Logic and reason should not be the first place you go in an attempt to make someone feel better. Let’s award points now:

An A ++ goes to:

1. Elizabeth–Hugged, gave tissues to, and said all the right things.
2. Jane–Verbally bashed ‘em, said all the right things
3. Harry–Brought flowers and participated in a ritual burning of the letter  as well as not going to “logic” to make me stop crying.

An A goes to–

1. Angel–said good things but was more interested in herself
2. Kendall–ditto
3. My dad–who apologized for getting me so excited about the job to begin with.
4. My stepmom–cautiously sympathetic and agreed that “prayerfull consideration” is not soothing.

B–

1. Granddaddy–who just said that he knew I would eventually get a job.
2. Evelyn–who said she knew God had a plan for me and she would continue to pray that it was revealed (Both get graded down because these responses are too much like logic).

F–

1. My mother– whose response was “Well, honey, you haven’t really been a real professor yet. They probably just want someone with more experience.” Let’s just say a HUGE argument ensued.

You’d think that my MOTHER who gave birth to me and raised me for 28 years would know me well enough to know that logic like that is only going to upset me more.

Other versions of Logic. include my chair’s comment that it was because I hadn’t finished yet. Really…’cause in August you said that wasn’t a problem, buddy. Now that I’m not getting jobs it has suddenly become one.

The whole thing just hacks me off. But for now, I’ve got to go back to not being a real professor. ‘Cause, y’all know, grading papers, making lesson plans, and creating a badass quiz…that’s not being a real professor. Such bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Though, after prayerful consideration, my paycheck certainly reflects my status as a play professor.)

***Disclaimer–Having written this while made, I doubt my punctuation is all that. Since I spent my day revising my dissertation, I am not revising this. Deal with it.